


They used to shout my name, now they whisper it

by felinedetached



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki needs help, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 06:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13001682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felinedetached/pseuds/felinedetached
Summary: I’m a princess cut from marble, smoother than a storm.And the scars that mark my body, they’re silver and gold,My blood is a flood of rubies, precious stones,It keeps my veins hot, the fire's found a home in me.I move through town, I’m quiet like a fight,And my necklace is of rope, I tie it and untie.----------There is nothing but shadow, and a tug on your navel and the nothingness beneath you and around you and it’s terrifying, it's justnothingness, and you wish you’d chosen a different way to do this.But you have nothing but the endless void.





	They used to shout my name, now they whisper it

**Author's Note:**

> [Yellow Flicker Beat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PdILZ_1P74) by Lorde

“I could have done it, father!” you hear yourself call, as the bifrost swirls uncontrollably below you and the face of your father shows itself above you, flickering in and out of view behind Thor’s cape. “I could have done it!” you repeat, hearing the desperation in your own voice and hating it, seeing Odin’s unchanging face and hating _that_ , and wishing with all your heart to be _seen_ , just _once_. “For you!” you add, and his face _still_ shows nothing, “For all of us!”

 

He looks down at you, and his face is _disappointment_ , and you catch your breath as his mouth opens only for “No, Loki,” to fall from his lips, and you feel a tear slip from the corner of your eye and you hate it. You hate your weakness, you hate Odin’s dismissal, and you hate the feeling that sinks into your brain, of abandonment and _pain_ , and so you let go. You let go of family, and of responsibilities, and of trying to prove yourself to Odin and Thor and Sif and the Warriors Three. You let go of Gungnir, and you fall.

 

There is nothing but shadow, and a tug on your navel and the nothingness beneath you and around you and it’s terrifying, it's just _nothingness_ , and you wish you’d chosen a different way to do this.

 

But you have nothing but the endless void.

 

* * *

 

 

Years later, there is no more falling. You have become good at keeping those thoughts out of your mind, good at avoiding anything to do with your ~~attempted suicide~~ fall. And then you discover that the place you left Odin is destroyed, and fire lights up around your feet and Thor reaches for you, asking what you are doing, anger on his face, and then you are falling.

 

Falling.

 

It’s darkness, nothingness, there isn’t even air to rush past you, or light to show you the end of your fall. There is only the deep blackness, that tug on your navel, the sensation of nothing and the memories of the last time. Of Odin’s face as he said “No, Loki,” of Thor’s scream as you ~~let go~~ fell, of the hard ground rushing to meet you and of there being nothing but you, and the feeling of nothing beneath you, and of the pain in where your heart rests deep in your chest.

 

With nothing else to distract you, you count the seconds, hoping, _hoping_ , that this time Thor will come, or Odin, or hell, even Frigga. Time passes, and it’s only been ten minutes but it feels like forever, feels like no one is coming, again, you’re being left, _abandoned_ , again, and you feel like screaming or crying or _something_ but you mustn't show weakness.

 

That was always the rule. Don’t be _weak_. The weak deserve nothing but subjugation.

 

And then, after thirty minutes of darkness and _memories_ , you hit the ground hard and you hear Thor’s voice and you say, hiding the horror deep within and letting anger and irritation colour your tone, “I have been falling for _thirty minutes_!”

 

Neither Thor or the midgardian sorcerer really seem to grasp what that _means_ , how falling effects you. Why would they? This midgardian has never met you before, and you’ve never _let_ Thor realise the effects your ~~suicide attempt~~ fall had on you. To do so would be to show weakness, and you can’t have that. But you also can’t let this sorcerer think they are powerful enough to beat you - they are not. You are Loki of Asgard, the God of Fire and Mischief, and a midgardian sorcerer could _never_ beat you.

 

“Don’t think for one moment that you’re a sorcerer, you second-rate son-” you say as you get up, voice filled with anger and hands on the leather-clad grip of your favourite hunting knives. This, you know, is irrational. You should be using _magic_ to fight magic, but you’re scared and the fall and what came after is _vivid_ in your mind, showing you flashes of rainbow and darkness and a planet made of stone despite that being years ago, despite the fact that you are no longer falling, and it’s lending your mind to irrationality. You want to attack him _physically_ for making you relive your ~~attempted suicide~~ fall, and so you do. Or, you try to. He throws his portal towards you and Thor, and you stumble and fall, _again_ , as the carpeted floor turns to grass and rushes up to meet you.

 

There is a conversation with Odin, one that you are only half listening to, your mind in turmoil. He calls you his sons, he tells you about your new nemesis - Asgard’s new nemesis. Although she has never been new, she is truly an old enemy - one from long before you were born. And then Odin, your father, the one who’s attention to sought so aggressively, melts into melts into gold and white light and drifts off a rocky cliff on the coast of a midgardian country called Norway. And Thor, well, thunder sparks overhead and when he turns to you his face is Odin at his worst, and he says “This was your doing,” and you are _scared_.

 

Then _she_ comes. Asgard’s old enemy, the one who will rule and kill and destroy, for that is what the Goddess of Death _does_. And you are saved by the bell, saved by the destruction of Thor’s hammer, but she intends to finish what he almost - _almost_ \- started and you call for the bifrost with urgency in your mouth and in your head and Thor in your hands and memories in your brain.

 

And then “Loki!” Thor calls, and you look down and she’s _followed you_ , she is coming back to the place that gives her power and you _mustn’t let her_. But your knife does not hit its mark - her’s does - and the walls of the bifrost come flying to meet you and shatter around you and you’re _falling_.

 

This time, you know you will fall until once again you hit the ground, until once again creatures find you and drag you across the cool, rocky surface of your planet and once again you meet the Other and you meet Thanos.

 

Until the Other’s words ring true.

 

_“He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.”_

 

You feel your chest tightening, your breath coming shorter, and then you _do_ hit the ground. Creatures _do_ come. But the place you’ve landed in, and the person they take you to, are not those you see in the darkest of your dreams and the most painful of your memories.

 

“Who are you?” the man in flowing robes ask, his blue-lined eyes curious.

 

“I am Loki of Asgard,” you reply, keeping your voice smooth and cautious.

 

“So, Loki of Asgard,” the man says, and he pauses and smiles in a way you’re not sure you like. “Are you a fighter?”

 

And for once in your life, you don’t want to fight. You are panicked, and bone-tired in a way you’re not used to, and you think this man may not be as different from Thanos as you had first thought. “I am not,” you say, and his smile broadens and you know you have chosen the right answer.

 

“Then, Loki of Asgard, how would you like to serve me?”

  
~~And you think that perhaps you chose right in a way that would get you to the top, get you out of your chains and get this _thing_ out of your neck, but you also may have chosen wrong in a way that could shatter the remains of your _perfect_ mental health.  ~~ ~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> I watched Thor: Ragnarok for the second time today, and I got really quite emotional about Loki. It's almost surprising, until you realise that I also had a shitty father figure.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr [@felinedetached](https://felinedetached.tumblr.com/)


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